More on trust issues..

This one's for those like me that are less than perfect Christians :)

I've been on that high, the one where you think you're ready-made and set to go. I'm complete in Him I know that, He is my Lord I know that, He is the greatest, I know that. My King, My Lord, My all in all, the air that I breathe, every beat of my heart and the only reason I Live, I know that. I know of His power, I've experienced and heard of His love, I've seen His mercy and grace in my life and caught glimpses of His eternal glory. I'm only 22, a fairly new born-again christian, although I grew up in a christian home and was taught Christian doctrines since I slid out of my mother's womb.

Yet I'm here, living and finding out that I need to humble myself everyday. I'm so in love with Him, I can't lie about that even if I tried my spirit and soul wouldn't let me. I've taken an oath to myself and God not to pretend to be something I'm not (that's been difficult). I am in love with God it's true but I have trust issues and last I heard that's a problem if you're trying to have a working relationship with Him. Find out what pleases God, Without faith it is impossible to please God.

I have been broken to realize that I am incapable of doing anything myself outside of God, I have tried it, I hated it. I have fallen deep enough to realize that I need him, like I need my next breath. I am a sheep. I need him to feed and sustain me, I need him to keep me out of danger. I need him to pull me out of the thicket. I need him to love me, I need him to show me how to be, how to live, how to love. I need him in every area of my life. I am a sheep, I'm supposed to rely fully on him, learn and know his voice and go wherever he leads.

Then he pulls me deeper, takes me to another level and says "how do you feel about me here?"
My tears when I hear a good worship song don't mean as much, my singing is not enough, my praise, even though they make me feel good, it's not enough for him anymore. I am wired to please him, and when it's not enough, I feel it. He wants more. Now he wants my trust. he wants me to trust him with my life, with every detail of my life. He wants me to look at all I have, all he has given me and truly hand them to him, wipe my hands off them and say "do what you will".

Oh, if it were only the easiest things to give away, maybe an object, or a small habit, or something glaringly obviously bad for me. No, he wants me to give the things I love too, not just my hobbies, my love for writing and music, he can take those, let Him do whatever he wants to them. After all I want to give him glory through them. He wants my loves, he wants me to still trust him even though he takes them away from me.

He wants me to surrender them, tell him "here you go". He has searched deep into my deepest insecurities, he has turned me inside out, brought them to the surface- those nasty things I kept buried inside and has pointed them all out to me and has said, give them to me. Even the things I never saw as a problem, the insecurities I shielded myself with and hid behind. He wants them. he wants the things I've used to cover myself with. He's asking for them!

"I surrender" has a different meaning now. I honestly don't know if I can do it, can I allow myself to be so exposed? Everyone reading this is saying, do it girl, I would be saying the same thing if someone told me this. Yes I know, my destiny is worth it, yes I know, He's a good God, He knows what's best. I know that! I've told Him as much.

Yesterday, I found myself freely talking to someone about something I never would have been able to talk about before. Maybe there's hope?

In my head I know that He will finish this work he has started, I don't know how, maybe I don't want to. I know I will finally be able to let go, unclasp my hands and let Him have it all. I know this because, that's what I want. I always pray for abandon, for complete surrender. I dream of the day when I am no longer bound to my self constructed walls and I'm living under his shadow. I have hope for that day. It is happening, I know. Where I am now, is not where I used to be. I have faith that even though I need His divine mercy, He is moving mightily in my life. I have hope that regardless of what I feel, do or say He is having His way in me. This is where my faith is, He loves me and that's good enough. He wants more to do with me, I must be lucky!

I'm writing this, to others out there that might be going through the same thing. Let's hang in there together, and keep praising, praying, thanking, hoping and believeing till we get to that last 'r' in I Surrender.

God Bless.


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