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Why are you angry?, Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? (Genesis 4:6 -7a)

Sacrifices and offerings,
they have left burn marks all over my skin.
Little gifts offered to you out of selfishness
I offered them,
eye-service to the God of the universe.

I am in a losing race here.
At the sound of the gun I took off
running in the wrong direction while you looked on.
The crowd cheered me on but you, a lone figure,
you shook your head at me.

(sigh)
Having a form of godliness but denying its power
I strutted around, clothed in self and drowning in it.
Always learning, but never coming to the knowledge of truth
with one and a half eye on the world, secretly hoping you noticed.
I know Cain

I know the struggle,
fighting to please, fighting to do as I please, always fighting.
Till these sacrifices and offerings that leave me scorched
pile up to here and I am frustrated
I know that man!

But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must rule over it (Genesis 4:7b)

I see you desire humility and I am empty of it,
the spirit being willing but the flesh always weak
I think I understand him.

Yet grace abounds in leaps
and because if it I am not him.
Enough of always trying and never succeeding
You said victory is mine and it belongs to me

sin is crouching at your door...but you must rule over it

Then I must be a queen and these must be my subjects
left to discard as I please, or hold if I wish.
I choose your life and your spirit within me
so direct the flames to these offerings that make no sense,
reduce them to ashes and let them be no more

I know Cain but we are not the same.

more on the usual issue...

Love, where do we find you?

Under the bed?
In the closet?
On the shelf?
Where are you kept?

Or perhaps you're on the bed?
In between the sheets?
In a whisper, in an embrace?
In a kiss or in words?
is that where you rest?

Love, where do you hide?
Even after the ring,
the I dos, the I love yous,
The forever promises
you still stay hidden.

Even after invincibility,
opulence and influence
you continue to elude us,
as if you're a paradox,
our ultimate contradiction.

Can't live and love.
The perfect absolute
can't give and get.
What makes us leave,
what makes us stay.

Love, where do we find you?


The search for love is the single most powerful motivation behind everyone's drive in life. There are millions of literature, songs and artistic compositions around this topic making it a cliche subject to bring up, yet every second a gesture/expression is made in an attempt to reach out, call out and ask for love, to love. Not just romantic love but love on all levels. Starting at the home, in our hearts, in our environments and further on.

We are all travelers on a journey seeking this abstract idea. Behind our eyes lay the longing and we search and scrutinize every face we meet, like scavengers, hoping to find a glimpse. We seek love, not just of itself, but love that is for us: a personalized, individualized love that remains constant in every area of our lives.

I haven't found anything more absolute than this: ...God is love (1 John 4:8b). What could be clearer than this, this is love. This is where it is. No need to search further.

I remember you back then,
you were never innocent.
You had that gleam in your eyes,
skin glowing with hidden desires-
you were never innocent,
you used to play with fire.
Held your fingers too close to the flames
nervous giggles as the temperature rose
jerking back quickly when you got too close
and laughing hysterically, it was all a game.

Till you got burned.

Ah, there used to be such fire in your heart.
You would poke it, stoking it till it arose-
feeding it with wood, fuel and coal,
till the day it burned you and you got cold
what happened to you?
Don't say age, you never got old
yet your present is your past's shadow
What happened to you?

Or maybe you're peeling?
reeling from your past's dealings?
maybe all this time I got it wrong,
maybe you're phoenix and you're rising-
from the ashes, you're emerging
Is that you? maybe I got it wrong
is that your skin shedding?
sliding off your your back, slipping?

Man, I swear I thought I lost you
But you're becoming brand new.

You are a King

You.

Raised from dust, crafted by the hands of the Master Himself
He set you high on your throne, apart and filled with power
I see power when I look at you
Body glistening under the hot sun as you pull your weight
Forehead creased in a frown as you create
you create, just like He first created

I rub red dirt between my palms and let them fall to the ground
in the hot afternoon heat, I watch your figure emerge.
First a blur, I try to discern you, your purpose
The reason he put you here first, before me
Tracing the soil with my fingers, you appear
All that I am not and never will be.

You.

Strength.
I am faced with my inadequacies, my inabilities
and for the first time I see in you, all that I need.
The half to this whole lies in your heart, waiting to be explored
a journey of self discovery I watch you embark on.
With an iron grip and an unrelenting heart
you brave the storms, steering your ship through dangerous tides
while wielding the strength of a thousand oceans,
yet you come out clean.

You.

It amazes me to see hands callused from the helm
gently caress and care, your heart filled with compassion
as you are moved by the plight of others, then
I watch you, completely awestruck,
as you humble yourself, kneel before your God
and pour out every bit of yourself.
Shrouded in pure honesty and vulnerability.
I watch you and in that moment I see we are the same,
We are two halves melting into each other,
forming a whole.

You.
You are a King,
I recognize you now as my vision gets clearer.
Raised from dust, crafted by the hands of the Master Himself
he set you high on your throne, apart, and gave you rule.
Wiping the dirt off my hand, I say a silent prayer for you.
I pray you never forget.

This is a love poem, from Woman to Man. I realize I am surrounded by great men in my life, my father being number one, who will lay down their lives for their families and surrender themselves completely to God first. They are incredibly strong, yet incredibly loving and that amazes me, so I decided to write an ode to those men. They remind me of God's love for us as well. A pillar of fire when He needs to be and a soft and gentle whisper at other times, yet with one motivation: his great love for us. 

Stay blessed.

What's causing you to bite your nails little one?
Lost in thought and completely zoned out?
Is it the worries that so conveniently camp out on your shoulders?
The wariness that starts from the pit of your stomach
and wells up in a storm over your heart,
leaving lines and crisscrosses across your face?

What's causing you to shift your eyes so, little one?
Has the journey suddenly become unbearable?
Is it so overwhelming the waves of despair?
Has foreboding become a familiar omen?
hanging in the air like a clear cloud,
seducing you into slow suicide as it tugs at your heartstrings?

What's biting at you my love?

Did you dig yourself a pit in a puddle?
Are you finding it hard to breathe, are you struggling?
Have you searched for a solution but come short?
And a hurricane has become your heart
shielding you from sunshine, my love?
are you lost?
Have your repeated efforts failed you?
The solutions you thought answers, eluded you?
The path you picked for yourself, become a dead end?

Is there nowhere left to go?
Nothing left to do?
Has the world's offerings expired
and their senseless ways left you tired?
Have you suddenly realized the frailty of man
and the mistakes that get repeated over time?
Are you looking for a way out?
Is it that time?

                                                                                           Come to me.

Like the fishermen do on the edge of their boats, hearts hopeful and expectations held high, they cast their nets into the sea, praying for sustenance to come swimming in. Waiting, hoping, expecting.

 He says again, waiting, patient                                         Come to me

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (Psalm 55:22)

My sister's talking about going to a night vigil and I was transported back to one I attended a while ago and the thoughts I had going through my head. Thought I'd write them down..

Hands clasped tight and mind set right.
I squeezed my eyes shut and focused
the intensity of the war raging in my mind reflected on the frown on my face
I broke in sweats. For some reason, I couldn't get my mind right...

See, I want to be good, Lord
I want to be your perfect little daughter
will you claim me as yours?
maybe if I stayed in this pew long enough...

I peeked through my eye lids at the crowd around me
I am surrounded by intensity,
some people were so intent on making sure you heard each and every single syllable that escaped their lips. Is it that hard for you to hear sometimes?
Do I need to scream? stomp my feet? roll on the ground?
Then again, it's the fire burning on his tongue that leads the horse to the water
Water.

You are my refreshment.
I know of miserable nights shrouded in gloom and despair, turned upside down by a peace.
Peace I couldn't place my finger on but I knew it because it spread like wildfire.
So can I get back to that place Lord? where peace was like the air, the sea, and at my fingertips.
Where are you really though, when I need to find you?

I know I got caught up in some other stuff for a while
I thought I was living, till I looked down and saw myself disappearing
So I'm here. It's a night vigil and there's prayer in the air
I've got a burden in my heart that I can't place my finger on
I can't say a word, maybe because I'm distracted.

But you know what's up,
I'll sit here in this sea of prayers hoping you'll come pick me up.

You drew, you drew
you dug, you dug
then you planted.
The roots, they grew
they dug, they dug
they reached deeper and deeper
and took a hold in the soil.
Then a flower grew.
Through the rain, the snow,
the harshness, the sweetness.
The honesty, the hope,
the love and the trust.
Then the fear and the uncertainty,
the miscommunications,
the loss of interest
and the hope for new beginnings.
It wilted, it grew, it wilted, it grew
but it was alive nonetheless.
Then you cut it.

There was silence in all the things I said
void of anger or hatred, just words.
Spoken out of the reality of life.
Some you win, some you learn.

I swear by pink
some people say the color of the heart is red
but I think it's pink
because holding your heart in my hand...
I swear it's pink.

Remember those pink paper hearts we carved one day?
how we wrote love letters on each and every single one of them,
from you to me, from me to you
then we posted them to each other
laughing all the way to the post office and back.

That night the sky was pink
and we were pink right underneath.

It was a gloomy day when the mail came in
and the flurry of pink that was our hearts, melted
we sat in a flurry of pink
reading promises written from behind pink-colored glasses
from me to you, you to me.

Everyone's always acting like there's more to life
like the sky really isn't what it is
or night doesn't come when it usually does
like we need to look for more out there
when in here, when it's just us, that's all there is

The world is pink.
we paint it red and ruin it
then we make it blue and ruin ourselves
but I want you pink where I can see you
and where I can see myself
That's the shade of color we're in
When it's love it's love
but when we're pink that's all there is
me and you, in pink.

Soiled Feet, stained purple by the work done before
Every day before, the purple dye would glisten anew
Now- It is faded.
And I am raw.
I have been steady marching on, until now
There is no energy left in me,

I left my beautiful cistern,
The one carved for me at birth
where the water never dries out
and it is filling and satisfactory.
Yet here I am,
Drinking where no water runs
I bend my head and it disappears in the cracks
woven like a basket in the market place
It is useless.

So I consider returning,
and I am asked if I will be counted as one?
Can I be one of the children?
Can I sing songs to the Glory of the Lamb
Can I join in in the chorus?
Can I bear my heart out and worship?
Will I surrender at the Threshing floor?
Where I will be stamped on,
torn apart and the chaff in me,
Burned in the fire...

In the distance I hear a faint "hallelujah"
With new determination,
I grab the horn in my belt,
raise it to my lips
and cry: Let's go back to worship!
Where I will sing songs to the Glory of the Lamb
I will cry Hallelujah! He is my God
and Glory to his name.

If we can return to the place of worship, everything will be okay. Never let me go, always pull me back, not till it's too late. The enemy knows when we get back we will obtain the power to hurt him.
So, in your way and in my way let us Sing songs to the Glory of the Lamb!
And return to the water! The living water that springs from the cistern he has created for us.

I'm by the window.
It's cracked open and the wind is playing hide and seek with my face.
It's smells like fall, gold like fall and salty too. I smile
You're on your table, a beautiful creature; simple but intricate.
I play with those thoughts in my head and three come out;
True as ever.
Maybe I'm just emotional.

Mine. It's simple but complicated
I just want to..
Touch you, if that is okay
If I pressed the tip of my fore-finger on your skin
for just a second..only a second, I swear
would that be okay?

I could hold you forever.
You're a dream,
the ones that kept me up all night
I prayed for you, I realize that now
and you're beautiful. I smile
Maybe I'm just emotional.

What is real?
I just want to...
Love, honestly, if that is alright
Unlock my gates and windows and let myself go
I'm falling. It's simple but complicated.

I'm still learning how to push my toes forward
towards the water and just feel the it on my skin
even if it's terribly cold, cold to the bone
and even though I will shrink back in fright,
just as long as I took that step
I'm still learning.

I'm still learning how to open my mouth
fling words from my core and unto the floor
and just let them take effect
and not worry too much about my audience
the reception that meets them, or my reputation
I'm still learning.

I'm still learning that you do, indeed, hold
the whole of my life in your hands
and there is no secret or shame or covert flaw
that you cannot undo, in me, through me, on me
That you do not look to hurt me
but instead all you wish is to love me
I'm still learning.

I'm still learning to paste a smile on my face
regardless of how I perceive my state
or the state of the hate in others around me
if there is one. That I should be me
regardless of where I have come to be
That I really am free, to be me in every way
I'm still learning.

They called this a controversy, when my heart was torn out of me

My lord, I can still remember their spears and fires. Their shouts

and the words they bathed me with.

Could a daughter like me, really be found in such a state?

I was pulled out from where I hid by rough hands

and pushed and prodded to follow that path leading to my death

They cursed me with their tongue and called me vile

said I was lower than vermin because of where I hid my heart

They dragged me down that path, unknowingly, they led me to you

folks of age old wisdom and profound understanding, they were

yet they did not understand the anguish I bore within my chest

then you whispered in silence on those streets of cobbled stone

The cold air on my skin, less cold, as you let me enter in

their faces were a cycle of endangered fear

like flames stoked and stoked by food of dry wood

They were people talking without speaking

people hearing without listening.

People killing without reason.

I fell and you picked me up again, compassion in your eyes

and the people, everyone of them, retreated

for they all knew

Standing in the naked light- we all knew.

No..this is not that kind of post.
I spin words as a manifestation of my freedom.
They are to me, what the sun is to vegetation.
They are to me what a breath is to a human.
The word is The Word breathed,
Giving life to all that it creates and bringing light to all of them.

Light.
You shine down on me at my most vulnerable moments
then you do something beautiful like call me your daughter
your daughter. A woman of the earth-you call your own
soil and dust, plucked from the rib of man
flesh. Born and bred, still you call me your own.

Your own.
A fleshly vessel of insecurities and misconceptions
quick to think less of herself in every opportunity
someday I'll learn. Maybe today.
Then like a bridegroom entering his chamber
you so radiantly lit up the room for me to see
and I saw, when I did not deserve to see.

Now we connect, we relate. You talk and I talk back
how beautiful is our chemistry.
This does not rhyme, my simple words never do.

Something malicious brewed in the interior;
it tore through the barrier my skin had made
And spilled over like pus in an open wound,
Threatening to disconcert my exterior
How troubling.
Still your mercy endures forever.

I am healing in plain sight
Mercy's poster child
Grace's landing strip

I am perfection in the light
Forgiveness in Christ
A part of the masterpiece

I am a transformation from what used to be
to the wonderful, new and thriving me
I am free
Love wrapped in your palms
I am free
a testimony to your glory
I am free
your wonderful works
I am free
an example of how you bring one out of the darkeness and into your wonderful light.
I am an embodiment of Christ.
I am free
Your child.
Your love.
I am yours. That's what counts

Thinking about everything God has done for me and how he's always been there, shielding me  and protecting me especially when I didn't know what the outcome of my actions would have been. He's aweosme. Who the son sets free, is free indeed. I am free indeed

You are awesome in this place
though I cannot feel you
but your word tells me my worth is independent of that

If I could only behold your face
I know there is no shame for those who seek you
Yet, I need to feel you and the peace that you exact

Feeling alone, I'm like a pin in the middle of the ocean
sinking fast and overwhelmed by the raging tides
I realise how helpless I really am without you

Still, I believe you are here in all these emotions
you said you would never leave me and that was not a lie
so you must be here, somewhere in the blue

Have mercy on me then, that I may see you
have mercy on me, that I may feel you
Let me come to your throne and worship you

You are Jehovah El Roi
The One that sees me.

Thank you Lord.

If I fear man, then I am not truly Free
See, If my heart beats at the command of One
and my breath breathes at the insistence of One
then who else do I have to fear but that One?

See, if that One gave me this life that I am now living
if that One put these dreams in me that I am now dreaming
if that One surrounded me with the people that I am loving
what is stopping that One from taking it all back from me?

See, I can boast and brag of my accomplishments
or cower and hide from all the uncertainties
I could stand tall, puff my chest up and let them know
or droop when I walk, and keep my head bowed low

See, I could step into the room and make sure all eyes are on me
or I could slip in quietly and find a corner to fade away in
It's all the same to the One that created me from the dust
because everything I do, I do it out of fear of said dust

I am dust.
Life was given to me not by my choice
but because the One decided to let it be
My mother did not conceive to create me
but the One created her to conceive me

If life is in the hands of the One that holds it
why do I fear these ones that are just like me
we are all dust and the hourglass is thinning down
Why waste so much time trying to figure this out?

The one to fear is the One that holds your everyday
The One that commands your breath and watches your every way
Yet that One has called us on to Love, freedom and life
For we are not given the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind

So I will choose to shake off the shackles of fear
knowing that all I have to offer is to the One, my God
not to the souls that surround mine everyday
but to the God that is looking to save us in every way

He has set me free from all kinds of bondage and slavery
He has awakened me from my suicidal reverie
He has done far more for me than my mind could even fathom
So you see it's pure foolishness for me to go on living in cuffs

See, I will abandon myself to every single will He has for me
knowing that as He holds me He will take care of all of my needs
Because who else will breathe life into me one day
Then love me and take care of me unconditionally, always?

Sun light streams through the window, bouncing off the walls and illuminating the room. Through the window, I look at the source.

Wrapped up in drifting blue-grey clouds, the sun- a round burst of light- rests like a pearl in the mouth of an oyster. Through the blinds, she looks like a naked bulb in the sky. I pull the blinds up and my eyes strain to re-collect the round shape, squinting, to pull the halo of lights bursting from the middle back into a shape I can name. But they stream off in odd angles, piercing my pupils until I have no choice but to close my eyes. In the darkness, there are two blue-green dots outlined by a red circle, and the longer I shut my eyes, the more the circles seem to drift into eachother, until I open them again. Forgeting the intensity of the light in front of me, I snap open my eyes only to be blinded immediately, the dots are bigger and brighter when I shut my eyes.

The sun must be a tiny piece of God's glory here on earth, I conclude. Imagine how bright, beautiful and piercing the glory of God must be, the light that shines within. Then when I close my eyes, the dots must be my spirit and soul, illuminated by the light, backed by the glory-slowly merging into one.

Maybe I've over-analyzed.

The beginning of this post is kind of a contradiction of the one below..but hey, life right?

I'm standing here
It scares me that you will see right through me
insecurity glaring at you in the face
maybe you can tell that I'm shy
that I really don't want you to judge me
criticize me or tell me that I'm wrong
Even worse, look right through me
see nothing there, just air
because I'm worthless, a nobody
a nothing
That scares me

I'm speaking here
it scares me that my voice wavers
your eyebrows raised at me
eyes clouding with pity
with every word I stumble upon
re-say, re-do. Try again, start again...

Even as I write this, the lion in me rises
It growls in me, roaring like thunder
denying the words written on this page
overcoming all of my shame
like lightning, it strikes me
and bearing down at me challenges,
"WHO ARE YOU"?
The storm is angry at me, waves crashing
and all that I am and can be, rumbles impatiently
with great anger, yearning to be unleashed.
And like a warrior beating his chest in his war cry
my soul is crying out loud for victory
The shofar blows, proud, loud and clear
The lion comes at me again and strikes me down
"WHO ARE YOU" it interrogates

Like a worm caught up in the talons of an eagle
a prey,
I answer, "I know who I am"
there is a whole book written about me, but how do I act who I am?

Show me?

You look surprised
Why, because I don't bare what's within?
Have I cheated your mind
Because I chose to clothe my real?

Go ahead, peel away,
Layers upon layers of layers
You won't see a thing until I decide
So peel away
Dive to the bottom of my heart
But be careful what you find inside

You who look at me and see what you wish
vision clouded by some pre-determined notion
oh, you have just touched the tip
I tell you, far and wide is my ocean
ha! Confusion, I watch your face wrinkle up
all the thoughts you had for me crumpled up
crumpled up and torn away, snatched away
me! me! I, am me!
and there is so much to me
that you, you cannot see

You cannot see, You cannot see
do you have eyes, that will not see?
Yet with confidence you break me down
ha! you say you see me, you say you know me!
How foolish is one that does not know
that they do not know
yet insist that they do know, what do you know?
about my nights? about my dark? about my light?
what do you know?
about my storms? about my rains? about my fights?
what do you know?
about my victories? about my triumps? about my conquests?
what do you know? you that has got me pegged
has got me figured out.
what do you know?