Friday Morning

'Create in me a pure heart, O God and renew in me a steadfast spirit' Psalm 51:10 woke me up this morning and my heart began to crave for Deep Blood Red by Mali Music, and where he goes 'How proud I'll be, if when you saw me, you would see deep blood red' without getting all cryptic about what he means, I think he's talking about being covered in the blood of Christ. Then he goes 'can I be your favorite, the one you cherish, like blood red'. I know thinking about blood can bring up grotesque images in the mind, but the blood of Christ signifies everything that happened on the cross, his death and everything that happened in between that and his Resurrection. Then there's the communion-partaking of his blood- We are in him, part of him, he is the head and we are his body, we are one with him, the same blood that runs in him runs through us. And what is his, he cherishes so dearly. So I am his, and I am a part of him- isn't that beautiful? that we can call ourselves a part of something so pure and powerful, we are family. His blood runs through me, it has already washed away all the toxins and is creating a pure heart in me and a steadfast spirit. I adore him.

I was looking at old poems and songs I wrote when I was much younger. In the midst of all the self-pity, self-loathing and broken heart-ed 'why doesn't he notice me' poems, where odd ones that I had completely forgotten about. I had written a poem in high school, in grade 10 when I was about 14 or 15 about how I had this conscience, something was protecting me because every time I did something very wrong..I would get on my knees and pray and still feel better. Every time. Fast forward to now- and it's still happening. He just never gives up on me and I realize that it's because I am family, his very own and He's not the type to give up on one that he cherishes so much. He does not chastise me or threaten me with eternal damnation, instead he speaks to me quietly, tells me to trust him with my heart, says he forgives me for turning my back on him and then tells me he loves me. Then when I forget all that, like any other human, and I run off and grow my own short-lived wings again that get torn up in the storm and get all tangled up in a mess, I come back tail between my legs feeling stupid and ashamed. Expecting to hear 'I told you so' but instead he welcomes me again and again and says he understands. As I grow, I become more conscious of this love and begin to rate my actions based on this. I don't want to be that person that always, always goes back asking for forgiveness...I'm always going to be needing forgiveness but why not get to the root of every thing and ask him to heal me from the bottom-up. When he heals the simplest thing, I have found that it can eliminate recurring bad habits and limit the 'woe is me, God forgive me' prayers and creates more time for thanking and rejoicing.

Then I find myself growing, spiritually.